Type A's and Parenting...Sometimes not a good mix

I am your typical type A and anyone that knows me will tell you that. Anything I do, I do it with gusto and drive. Things that aren't working for me, I fix with hard work and determination. I have a remodeled house we worked on ourselves (when I say we, I really mean me while DH watched), and I have two very well trained dogs. I was always so proud of my dogs, the ability to listen to their momma, for them to have picked up on my hand gestures and whistles. My good grades, good education, good job, I worked my tail off. All these things in life, I have worked hard and I get to see, if not immediate, rewards for that hard work. It is gratifying to look at my tile floors or see my dog give "high-5" and know that I played a part in shaping that.

So when it comes to parenting, someone who is so used to that return on investment and somewhat instant gratification, the "failures" of your child hit you like a freight train and take you out at your knees. I say failures, because in American life, the inability to sleep through the night(STTN) or self soothe are seen as such. After all my research, and honestly, re-education regarding infants, I don't see my son as a failure anymore, from the "American" perspective. I understand the biology driving him to wake every 45 - 180 minutes. I understand the anthropoligical evidence that tells me to continue on the path of EBF (exclusive breast feeding), cosleeping, and attachment parenting. But, when we have a rough night, or a few rough nights in a row, when I didn't think anything could be worse than it already was, I personally feel like a failure, that I haven't done something right to help my little guy. And then, the worst in me comes out; I get mad or disappointed. Bad mommy, Erin, bad mommy...

It is just so extremely hard to put so much effort into the multitude of things any parent does, and to get what seems like nothing in return, especially while others you see put the same or even less and get greater returns. Don't get me wrong, my boy smiles and he lights up my world, I know that is my "Thank you" from him for being a good momma, but at 4am when every 15min he squirms awake and screams, and I trying every trick in the book to help our situation (specifically Plantley's No Cry Sleep Solution), I wish I were someone else, someone better able to emotionally handle being a parent. I wish I were not used to the 1:1 ratio of investment and return that I have known my whole life. I wish I were warmer. I wish I didn't get enraged at myself or regret ever move I made in his first 6 weeks of life. I wish I had a do-over. I wish I weren't type A.